cant sleep yet. why? im so full! i ate almost one and a half family size pizza. thats how many slices, 12? maybe only 10. of course not in one sitting, maybe the first 6 slices around late in the afternoon, and the next 4 slices right after dinner. and when's dinner? maybe an hour and half later after i ate the 6 slices of pizza. that's crazy! and half a liter of soda. and i ate a hot fudge sundae fifteen minutes later after i ate the four slices. and drank half a liter of water. i finished eating everything around 930pm. i dont know why i was eating a lot, and why i kept eating. anyway, its 1130pm already and i still feel very full. i dont know why i ordered 2 boxes of pizza in the first place! i just felt like ordering it after i took a bath. so while in the shower, i thought, id like to have some pizza. so i ordered two boxes.

thats why its not very advisable for me to go to the mall with a lot of money to spend because i end up buying things that are...well, not given much thought. so far i havent bought anything useless, but most of the time, i buy things that are really not necessary...yet. thats my problem sometimes, if i know i have money to spend, sometimes i cant control myself from spending it. that's what happened a while ago. knowing i can afford to order pizza made me order not just one but two boxes. im so stupid.

how long have i been in front of the PC? long enough for me to use my left hand to use the mouse! my right hand is so tired! and instead of resting, i continue to sit in front of the PC, browsing for stuff on the net!

watched another movie. this would be the 4th in less than two weeks! 4th movie that is, but 5th if i would count it by the number of times i went to a movie house, and 6th if i would count the number of times i watched a movie (meaning, i repeated some of them). i watched the Ghost Rider twice, on a friday and on a saturday, Music and Lyrics once on a monday, The Number 23 twice on a saturday, and The Pursuit of Happyness once on a monday. when will this addiction end? not really addiction but just a way of distracting me for an hour or two from that goddamn dark cloud.

just woke up a few minutes ago and minutes later, got a phone call from my cousin asking for help. nice way to start the day huh? well, at least he wasnt asking for anything hard. well, it was hard but good thing im not the guy for the job he was asking me to do. so, what i merely did was simply like a consultation, point to him what he has to do and who to go to.

anyway, i thought i was feeling better. well, there are times i do feel better but then that dark cloud that has been hovering over me for more than a week now makes itself felt again. like i said before, its like a neon sign saying "life sucks". or "my life sucks".

another tiring day...went to UP (to study), then SM north (to look for a gift), then to Philcoa (to eat lunch), then to Fairmart, Cubao (to buy a gift since i wasnt able to find what i was looking for in SM North), then back to UP (to get something, which only became available that afternoon), then went home. this is the second consecutive day that i went home with aching feet because of all the walking i did.

when i got home, i almost drank a liter of water because of thirst and the heat. summer's here, and im not in the mood yet for the heat it has brought with it.

anyway, seems like i was able to do what i thought i will do today, except watch a movie. why? i've seen the movies i want to see (Ghost Rider and Music and Lyrics). well, i would like to watch The Holiday, Bridge to Terabithia and The Number 23 but im not in the mood for it. might just wait for it to come out on DVD.

my head aches, im sleepy and its a thursday. so, wonder what life has in store for me when i wake up hours later? going to UP to study for my classes on friday. might go to the mall and might watch a movie. wonder what's showing today? that's pretty much what i intend to do when i wake up hours later. maybe i should sleep. its been a tiring day. trying to anticipate what life could possibly send my way later but my mind's blank. maybe its just going to be a simple day where i get to do what i intend to do and nothing more.

one of those rare nights im in the mood to be "online" on Yahoo messenger, and no one's "online". am i that messed up? that im willing to change my status from "invisible" to "available"?

i thought dropping the subject would make me feel better, because there is less mental burden. well, it made feel bad because if only i was strong enough physically and mentally, i wouldnt need to drop it. but well, im not. and dropping the subject only meant that it wont aggravate the situation or condition im in and i would not be as stressed as i am now. and what is that? still got no clue. am i losing my mind? i have no idea. the only clear thing is something's up and its bothering me so badly, that i need to pull myself together when that opportunity comes or else. or else what? how should i know. all i know its an "or else" situation.

so confused!

went to mass yesterday, february 20. during mass, i asked myself, is it ash wednesday today? well, that question would be plausible, yes, very plausible, if it was a wednesday!!! holy crap! what's wrong with you? its a tuesday and you ask whether its ash wednesday? well, it took a couple of seconds for me to figure that out.

so ash wednesday came, the following day. i was looking at the UP chapel, wondering, what's up? how come there seems to be a lot of people attending mass today than usual? couple seconds...oh, its ash wednesday!

when will the confusion end? and when will this messed up feeling show hints what's the mess all about?

finally, im done! done dropping.

wow, didnt expect it to be mentally and physically tiring. so aside from the mental hardship of waiting for professors and other people to get their signatures, i had to walk for a considerable distance just to accomplish it. why did they have to place the university registrar in a not so accessible location? i went there twice! first coming from malcolm and the second was coming from the shopping center. so by the time i was able to accomplish everything, i was already drenched in sweat. eeeww. im sticky and sweaty for the summer. i really felt bad dropping the subject, but what can i do, i really cant continue anymore. if it doesnt affect my physical health, its bound to affect my psychological health.

in a few hours, i will go to school again, to resume the waiting game. so ill just sit there and keep on waiting, waiting, waiting. seems like a waste of time huh? well, im used to waiting. well, i do wait a lot, but not because ive started not to mind means i want to wait. anyway, i hope i get to finish this dropping the subject thing so i can at least restore a bit of normality in my academic life and start studying with a bit more concentration. its really hard to concentrate when there is a thought lingering in your head regarding not making the deadline.

normally, downloading something makes me feel a little better. and im always in the mood to download something, no matter how insignificant. now, i just dont feel like it. i dont even want to continue my pending downloads! crap. i better figure out what the fuck's wrong with me! that's really a problem, not knowing what's bothering you. how can you solve a problem which exists but you can't see?! there is even no certainty it exists, but you feel there's something there bugging you, something bringing you down. it just sucks.

my life still sucks. of course, that has always been the case. but it doesnt flash itself like a neon sign like the way it is doing now. its been flashing for a few days now.

anyway, just woke up from a two hour sleep. day started around 930 am, went to school to do some waiting. waited for professors to sign my dropping slip. yes dropping slip. i gave up already. i think its affecting my health already. and im not doing well either. and since my body cant keep up anymore, i dont think i can improve my performance in order to fight til the end just to get a passing grade, like the way i used to do. anyway, im still not done with the waiting. so im going to do another day of waiting tomorrow and i hope i finish it before friday, because the last day is on thursday.

aside from waiting for professors, also waited for the results of my blood test. took another blood test in two days. not that it is needed. maybe i just got used to having a needle pierce through my skin.

happy valentines!

yeah right. i hate my life. not that im single (never been a problem before, and most likely never will). just took the civ pro exam a few hours ago. it was a 6-9 exam, very tiring and draining. wasnt able to answer all the items. crap. of course, that's not the only thing that made life suck. actually, it didnt make life suck, it just made it difficult. what made life suck today was the fact that, its valentine's day and looking at my life, well, not really looking at my life, but being reminded of what kind of life i have, shit, i ask myself, "when will it be my turn?" turn for what? turn to die of course! ive been having these chest pains lately, most likely, the civ pro subject is stressing me out. just yesterday, i cant read the codal provision because i keep feeling dizzy and found it really hard to concentrate because it felt like the surroundings are moving. anyway, while walking down the stairs in the library, i asked the question i ask myself from time to time, "will i drop dead now?". because like i said, ive been feeling those chest pains, particularly on the heart area. how long do i have to keep waking up in the morning? really getting tired of forcing myself to get out of bed.

can you believe it? because i cant!

so here i was, in the university arcade, past 4pm, about to eat merienda before the exam on civ pro at 6pm. then, i heard a slightly audible ringtone. at first, i looked around where the sound was coming from because i wasnt familiar with the ring tone, so i thought, it couldnt be my phone. but when i looked around, im the only person there! the manager of the cafeteria was somewhere in the kitchen, and the phone that was ringing was somewhere near, very near. so i checked my phone and well, to my surprise, it was my phone! holy crap, when did i set that ringtone? how come i never heard it before?

anyway, that's not the important part. so i opened the text message, and it was from jason. and his message said: "wala exam. sa wed exam. postponed. no joke". and my reaction was: "what the?". and since my phone didnt have any load, i immediately called the attention of the manager of the cafeteria to ask whether there's a nearby autoload store, and she said, the store right beside the cafeteria sells phone credits. so i asked her, whether she could look after my food for awhile, i really need to load up. so i quickly went to the store, asked for a P30 load, for globe. she said it wasnt available, they only had smart at the moment. so i asked, is there any other denomination available? i sounded like i really need to make a call as if it was a matter of life and death. she said the P100 prepaid card was available. so quickly, without giving it much thought, i bought the card, loaded it, and called jason to confirm. and he did confirm it wasnt a joke (and so did grace). and being the skeptic that i was, i still went back to malcolm hall to look for blockmates to confirm it. which they also did, saying "its true", "postponed", etc. still, a part of me is still filled with disbelief as if something that is contrary to reality just occurred. after almost an hour, and seeing my blockmates heading home, i finally said to myself, "ok, it seems the exam is indeed postponed". so i headed home too, and thinking if the exam did push through, im just going to drop the subject. i dont know why im excessively skeptical of things. is it an addiction or an illness? not that i dont believe my classmates, but i just found it hard to believe.

oh, i was so overwhelmed by the news, that i was heading for the waiting shed to ride a jeepney to go home, i forgot that i wasnt wearing my bag and that i had used the van that day! if i had noticed i wasnt carrying my bag, i would have realized it was in the van. if not for keisie asking me whether i commuted that day, i probably realized that i had a ride by the time i reached the shopping center.

home alone on a warm sunday afternoon, listening to V for Vendetta OST. i really enjoy being left alone in the house because its very relaxing. this is the only time i find the peace and comfort i always ask for. unfortunately, it isnt perfect. i have to study for civ pro (almost halfway done with the reviewer) so i really couldnt relax. well, not very much. at least this is better than not being home alone.

im currently reviewing/studying for my civ pro midterm exam tomorrow. anyway, i remembered a jesuit professor's comment with regard to the way the law is written. he was right, these codal provisions make it hard for a layman to understand them! why do they do that? why do they have to make the phrasing and the manner they write the law hard to understand? as the jesuit professor said, the law is written like the hieroglyphic writings of the Egyptians, and only the lawyers can decipher them! so was this intentionally done so there would always be a need for lawyers to interpret them and that the layman could not read and interpret the law on his own? well, the latter of course makes sense but still, shouldn't the law at least be clear and easy to understand so people could know it on their own without asking for the assistance of lawyers. i mean, just a simple understanding of it? because the way it is written, it just discourages people because its not easy to absorb. well, not easy to absorb for me. like some of my law professors say, sometimes, the provision is difficult to understand that you have to outline it. that is why one of my friends indirectly suggested that studying the law is like learning a foreign language.

soooo tired! the review class for civ pro ended past 10pm, almost 11 actually. so hungry and my brain cells have given up. wasnt absorbing anything the last 30 mins. and i wasnt feeling very well! not that im sick but the class just drains too much of my energy. this class is just too much for me, and one of these days, im going to find out that i developed another serious illness. im not sure if i can keep this up. well, its only less than 2 months, could it be that bad that i cant last for a few more weeks? the answer is yes! i just find it hard to keep up with the subject and the work load it demands. not really work load but the level you have to achieve to keep yourself afloat. right now, even if i have already eaten, my head still aches and i feel little nauseous.

no work and no play makes me a diabetic! holy crap, should at least consider doing any form of physical exertion. my inactive lifestyle started when i finished my ROTC class. ever since, i never did anything that could be considered as exercise. the doctor has already warned me that if i keep this up, im going to have spinal problems at an early age. im guessing in my 30s. well, im not really that physically unfit but i do get tired a lot or i get tired easily. also, since college, i knew my physical limitations. that i can only last for 30 mins of continued physical exertion. beyond that, i get nauseous and most likely vomit. as for intense and focused physical exertion, the time limit is 3 mins. beyond that, i become light headed. that was back in college, which was 3 years ago.

my left heel has been bothering me lately. i dont know why i experience pain on my left heel, as if there's a lump or something. not that there's a lump, but the same painful feeling you get from one. its been months now. oh well, as usual, im just going to ignore it, the same way i ignore the other aches i have. it will eventually go away. if it doesnt, im going to endure it (the same way i endure head aches, i really try not to take any medicine. why? its doesnt work anyway, why bother?). and if gets worse, well, thats my problem.

well, at least this day isnt a waste, as opposed to most of my days. by 2pm, i was already finished reading labor cases. that's about half way done for my classes tomorrow. i still have to read the provisions and cases for the energy draining 5 unit subject! was contemplating yesterday minutes before the class whether i should drop the subject or not. im not doing very well in it no matter how much i prepare. if i think about it, that's the subject im most prepared! maybe its the teaching style. i really cant attain that level of mastery. the way i see it, if a student is able to reach the teaching style's standards, the student can teach the subject already! not at the same level as the professor's but still, such mastery by the student is sufficient to at least show that the student has a very good grasp of civil procedure.

just another one of those days of tiring long drives. one amusing thing i saw today while driving on the way home was i saw two hearses! well, that explained the heavy traffic. but the amusing part was, for me anyways, that they were heading towards each other, with the cemetery between them. it was like hearse A was about half a kilometer away from the cemetery from the north, while hearse B was approximately the same distance away from the cemetery, coming from the south. doesnt seem that the two hearses and the convoys are aware of each other, so when both of them reach the cemetery, assuming they reach at the same time, then it would appear a little amusing since its not really that usual for something like that to happen.

one year and eight months! last log in was on the 24th of may, 2005.
--
3stan
lordanubis@mailworks.org

i accidentally activated my de-activated email.

and to prove how unfortunate i am, i have a 9am class. by quarter to 8 this morning, my cousin came, asking for help to write his paper (or at least type it). anyway, i have to leave the house by at least 830 am to make it for my 9am class. but well, i have no choice, my cousin's class is 830am, at quarter to 8, he's still not done with the paper. so i had to help him, it's just a little bit of typing and a little editing. we finished an hour later, quarter to 9! so i was already late! was able to leave 30mins later, 9:15am because i still have to take a bath and get dressed. and when i reached UP, and was already parking the van, i received a text message (nice timing, very fascinating, if only i received it 15mins earlier, it would have made a difference because i havent left the house yet), saying that the prof announced, the night before, were not holding classes that day! what the? either no one texted me, or the message was delayed by hours. anyway, still went to the classroom to check if i have a classmate with the same predicament classroom, and well, there was one. the person who texted me. the other one who texted me was also there earlier but already left to go home. so i rushed to UP for no reason! nice one God, you got me again. the timing of everything was well executed. i dont hate God for it, cant complain, life isnt that bad, only that, it isnt that good either compared to other people's lives. oh well, im almost numb to such situations anyway. before, it really pissed me off, especially when they come day after day after day, like a series of unfortunate events. it's bound to test your patience and drain your energy just to keep up with it. but, well, there are also good times, but not that good to really offset the bad. that's life.

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time. - Narrator (Fight Club)

Well, mine isn't ending fast enough!