you know what my problem is? problem is, i dont have a heart. not literally of course, but you know what i mean. what makes it worse is that, i act sometimes as if i have a heart. so do i get credit for that? pretending to have a heart? that's why some of the things i do just end up like pieces of crap, or a pile of crap. it just lacks that heart part. what can i do, i just dont have it. and i realized, i was better off not attempting to have a heart. life was easier, and much peaceful. it was a simple life to be who i really am without trying to contradict it. just be cold, heartless and detached. that's who i am, why bother changing it. ok, having emotions are ok, but it's getting tiring in the long run. it looks like fun, but i guess its not for me. it really is irrational and right now it has become pointless. so, revert back to the old ways? yeah, but it wont be easy. it wont be like the first time, where i just woke up one day and im emotionally dead. now, its a conscious decision and it would take some time reinforcing the old habits.

these past few days....sooo busy! cant even think of complete sentences...thinking in phrases....emails keep coming in...everytime i check...there's something to do...aaah..i want to take a break...and the people outside are noisy...and so is my cousin's dog...barking incessantly...its driving me crazy...i want to watch a movie!!!! but i cant....shhhiiiiiitt!!!!

this sucks.

i think its been quite a few days now that im feeling like a single minded person. i mean, i dont feel like that psycho shit where there are bunch of personalities inside me. that's not good news. i mean, what if a personality died down that has traits i like. crap. can i recover it? besides, i need them! ok, that's some psycho comment but not quite my ordinary psycho comment. crap.

another one of them sleepless nights. life sucks. especially after dropping by friendster and being reminded of things that's not really fun to think about.

things didn't really go well today. having only 2 hours of sleep (ok, 2 and a half, since i slept from 4am to 630am), i was asked to drive again to montalban. driving without sleep is not something new to me, i do it from time to time. i dont know how it started or when it started, but im used to driving long distances even without sleep. there was a time when there were close calls, where i almost hit the back of the vehicle in front of me because i was driving too fast but that is more of an exception because we were in a rush. anyway, back to the not so nice day, so i was sleep deprived and driving a long distance, not that bad. what made it bad is that when we got there, i was asked to assemble the bench for the dining table. its made of thick, heavy wood and very hard to assemble. so, im sleep deprived and was asked to do this difficult task. in the end, i wasnt able to assemble it and my father had to look for a carpenter to get the job done. that just proves how hard it was! it needs a professional to do it. anyway, what made it worse was that, while i was doing the actual attempt to assemble it, being sleep deprived, i was a bit careless and absent minded. with a hammer in hand, i hit my right middle finger, killing my nail in the process (in Filipino, patay na kuko). so right now, im having difficulties writing this blog entry because i cant use my right middle finger at the moment. and it hurts! actually, when i hit my finger, i had no reaction. it was painful but it seems i have delayed reflexes. i dont know, it took a while for me to feel how painful it felt. it happened so fast, one time i was hammering the wood then the next second, it hit my middle finger's nail. i looked at it and saw black patches and then told my mother that i just hit my nail. of course, after that, i still continued trying to assemble the goddamn bench that killed my middle finger's nail, but like i said, in the end, they had to hire someone to finish what i cant finish.

soooooooooooo tired!!!! ive been doing the website for hours now. aaah!!! it wasnt this difficult before.

using friendster has become depressing. seeing your friends, old and new, then looking at where i am at the moment, its just not something to be happy about. i feel like i made a wrong turn along the way. i feel like im the only one who refuses to grow up and move forward. i feel like im the only one stuck somewhere. i feel like im the only one. being the only one wasnt a problem before because i saw it as something that made me unique, like a professor joked, im a class of my own. i dont go around socializing with just anybody. but i digress. the point is, seeing myself as being the only who seems to be the one left behind while everyone keeps moving forward makes me ask the question: will i stay the way i am or will i try to catch up? right now, i ask another question, what's the point of catching up? so what if they are far ahead in life? not that it matters to me because im tired of life. it wont make much difference. if i stay where i am and stay the way i am, im going to get used to be stuck and being left behind. its only a matter of time anyway. ive reached this far doing things my way, and doing things alone, so its safer to keep on doing what ive done before. so am i afraid to take risks? not really. i just dont take it when i dont see the point in taking it. why waste energy and effort when there's no reason behind it? so everything must have a reason? yes.

right at this moment, i feel so left behind.

right at this moment, i truly feel im detached from everything.

right at this moment, i dont care about a single thing.

right at this moment, i should be hating life, but like i said, i just dont care anymore

im not blogging as often as i used to...why? i dont know. anyway, just read an email that mam avena gave a passing grade to everyone in her class this semester. so, am i regretting my decision to drop? nope. like i said, im really having problems during that time and if i continued my civil procedure subject, things might have gone worse. so when i said i was dropping for health reasons, i wasnt just saying it as an excuse. i really was having health concerns back then. if i not for that health concern, i might have soldiered on and continued the subject. unfortunately, that wasnt the case. well, too bad for me. as if im suprised. nothing ever goes my way. i should be happy nothing bad is happening to me at the moment and not expect anything more. that's the kind of life i have. always bad, sometimes bad, and nothing bad. its never something good. the peak is when nothing bad is happening. that's why i learned how to be contented. because things could be worse. so be thankful that things arent worse because hoping for something more will just lead to frustrations. so, the commercial on JackTv was right. the key to life is lowered expectations.

just spent 3 days in our house in montalban. we left thursday morning and got home just this sunday morning. and what amazes me is that i was able to last three days without cable tv (preventing me from watching my favorite programs since i rarely watch local channels), a PC (which i primarily use to check my emails (which i check at least once a day and an average of three times a day), blog and browse some stuff online), and a fridge (when i want something to eat, i go to the fridge because i dont cook and i like my drinks to be cold).

the house does not have much appliances and furniture yet so there really isnt much to do there. what i did most of the time was listen to my mp3 player (thank God for mp3 players) and play around with my digicam, shooting non-sensical stuff. also, i used some of the spare time reviewing for my final exam on april 10.

the good thing about the place was that it was quiet and peaceful and gave me time to reflect on stuff. something that i should be doing since it was holy week after all.

maybe i should lower my standards. i cant get a girlfriend if im looking for a girl who has the potential to be a supermodel (note: supermodel not model) or someone who can make it big as a hottie hollywood celebrity (note again: hollywood, not someone from the local showbiz industry). but how low? and why the crap do i have the high standards when im not the best looking guy in the world. heck, not even in the city, hehehe. anyway, just had this stroke of loneliness and getting tired of waiting. maybe i should get some sleep or something.

just had my labor exam early yesterday morning. it was ok. a bit frustrated because the question bruno asked the night before the exam actually came out in the exam! and what's frustrating is that i knew the answer to that, and come exam time, i forgot the other details! i could have gotten a perfect score for that item. i was a bit careless i guess.

what else....well, i went to the rockwell tent to go to an "intimate charity event". it was a lingerie fashion show/fund raiser. all i can say is...nice! cant believe i didnt attend the previous offer 2 years ago to attend this kind of show.

lastly, i hitched a ride with bruno to and from the rockwell tent. and well, when we were going home, we met an accident in the kamias area. minor vehicular accident but its still a bother since it still entails payment of damages, aside from the actual damage incurred. it wasnt our fault. we were stationary when the innova scratched and dented the left side of bruno's car. good thing we had digicams to take pictures and use it as evidence. and bruno was paying attention in his law classes and was able to write "settlement" forms.