Some Sort of Pensieve
my thoughts in its rawest form
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
You make me fall for someone else and make me believe again, hope for something nice. Then You take her away. Fine. maybe You didn't take her away. But my question is, why let me meet her when I've decided not to fall for someone again, then make me like her, and after i struggle to avoid her because i knew right from the moment i saw her a few months ago im going to fall for her, You make her pull me back to her only to get rejected? seriously God, when are You going to stop? You do this every time i decide to live that solitary life. You send a girl i will certainly like and when i do something about it, it ends up with a fucking "nope. sorry. not gonna happen". im assuming its my fault i got rejected for the nth time. whose fault could it be? right? then why keep doing it damn it! obviously im not learning and i keep getting my heart fucking broken. but no, you built me in such a way that no matter what happens i wont really break. just close to breaking point but never break. You do know that this game of Yours is starting to take its toll? Why not kill me instantly? Why do i have to endure Your goddamn shit? holy fucking crap. ive been having chest pains for almost a goddamn year now and it got more frequent since i got rejected again. and this exercise of Yours is for obviously no reason at all. because ive tried following Your goddamn rules before, used to believe in them and it always makes me miserable after.
You know, that card reader's right. when she saw me, she asked why im fucking sad. well, her cards said it. i wont get what i want. it was a big fat "NO!" i didnt want to believe in it. i still hoped i will find a girl i want. found one again more or less a month after that card reading. but with this recent rejection, im starting to think it makes more sense to believe in her cards than in Your stupid game.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
so my blood sugar, cholesterol count, hemoglobin levels and uric acid levels are high. but someone said im going to live until i get fucking alzheimers. well, God, im holding You accountable for Your actions. we won't be here if not for Your alleged mysterious but are actually senseless and whimsical ways.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
sometimes i wonder if i should have listened to friends. when he said i should start shaking my head and walk away, i thought it was the right thing to do. when he told me how things are if i was looking at things from an objective point of view, he made sense.
months later, i learned it was the right thing to do. i did her a favor because she cant end it on her own. yeah. sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
i hate being right. but what can i do, i am never wrong. im tired of it.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
if my rashes are an indication of my mood...well, during the first half of last year, i had no rashes which was weird because since 2003, i usually have rashes. now, theyre incredibly itchy and for the first time in years, appear to be resistant to the ointment i usually use.
yeah. my health is deteriorating fast. so i have that going for me which is nice
Thursday, January 02, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
why do i regret holding on to the people i chose to hold on to? theyre the logical choice. rational choice. why do things continue to fall apart? isnt it possible to, even for a moment, feel that i made the right decision? just a goddamn moment. to at least see that the choice i made was worth it. that walking away was the right thing to fucking do. i knew im going to regret my decision to stop the most meaningful yet confusing pursuit. didnt expect that it also meant that the people i chose to hold on to wouldnt be worth it.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. it shouldnt have happened in the first place. God, you sick fuck.
im sorry. i really am. im tired and drained. may mga bagay na hindi pwede sabihin. mga paliwanag na di maririnig. so universe, you sick fuck, leave me alone. tangina! obvious naman na di na pwede bawiin ginawa ko kaya tantanan mo na ko. putangina naman. matino naman ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. bakit ayaw mo pa tumigil? kahit kailan, hindi ako maniniwala sa pinagpipilitan mo. ginagago mo lang ako. pota!
Monday, November 04, 2013
t
cant believe its been more than a month since i last saw her. the cannabitch is pissed. and her druggie friend isnt talking to me either. and her co-alphabitch is starting to move away from me too because it seems im bad news.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 01, 2012
Monday, September 03, 2012
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
more than half a decade ago, i asked God for something. in return, i offered something i thought wasnt important to me. i was a loner so i thought, it wont be much of a sacrifice on my part since i can easily get by with only myself by my side. little did i know God knew me more than i did. God knew my future more than what my foresight could see. so a little more than a couple of years ago, i tried to break the deal by doing something i already promised i wont do because i already offered it or gave it up. after a few months, God made it clear that the deal is in force. that He actually accepted my offer. so i had to choose. break the deal, which meant losing what i was asking more than half a decade ago, or comply with the agreement and suffer the penalties for breaking it. i chose the latter. but in addition with the compliance, i asked for something in addition to what i initially asked. this time i offered something more. now, im bound by those promises i have made.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Friday, December 02, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
there are no definite findings yet but i just hope that the "impression" the doctor got stays that way. i dont want any other serious medical concerns. im financially drained.
Monday, September 05, 2011
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Friday, August 05, 2011
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
bought 2 pairs of denim pants yesterday. i was supposed to buy a new pair of shoes too but there were too many people because of the mall wide sale. i didnt benefit from the mall sale because the items on sale dont cover my size. im better off buying my stuff during regular mall days.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
the internet is starting to get boring too. im no longer hooked on facebook. i only check my emails because of force of habit. the only thing i have left are my PS3 and my soshi addiction.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Monday, June 06, 2011
i started thinking, how come i cant use my "workaholic mode"? i really need it. especially right now that i have court hearings for three straight weeks (average of four hearings per week). being laid back is just good enough to make sure i get something done. but its really not a job well done. its probably good enough but obviously lacking stuff. or maybe not good enough at all. there's just some output. plain and simple.
im laid back in a sense, i sleep in my office room to rest. when im tired, i stop working. of course, i only stop when i can afford to stop, meaning no deadlines. but on the inside, i get occasional panic attacks when my brain starts to give me the "big picture" or the amount of work to be done.
i need to do something about this.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Sunday, April 03, 2011
yesterday, i bought 2 barongs, a pair of slacks and a pair of leather shoes. shopping for clothes isnt my thing but i have no choice. i need to buy additional barongs. i need a spare long sleeve barong because i only have one long sleeve barong (in dark blue). got myself a white one because i dont want to stand out. not yet. i need to blend in for now. back then, standing out wasnt an issue. well, its was really something i purposely did then but now, things have changed. i need to keep a low profile until its ok to attract attention. bought another short sleeve barong when i found out last thursday that my gray barong was the exact same barong used by parking attendants at Alex Grill. damn it! that was my OLA barong.
anyway, i also bought a new pair of slacks because i only have one pair that fits me. i gained a lot weight (if i were to believe the online body mass index calculator, im just 10-15 pounds away from being overweight) so all my old slacks, with the exception of one, which i bought a few months ago, no longer fit.
as for the shoes, i dont even remember when i bought my current leather shoes. its that old. i was supposed to buy new pairs of socks and a leather belt but, just buying the four items really wore me out.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
i went to cubao for three consecutive days last weekend. first was last friday to meet a friend. second was last saturday to buy groceries. third was yesterday to buy some CDs for my sister and some materials for my brother.
yesterday, i also met two current clients of our law office. one was at the MRT cubao station, the other one at Gateway. what's interesting to note in both instances is that i saw these clients when i decided to go back a few meters from where i was heading. at the MRT cubao station, i was already on my way to Fairmart when i saw the line at the ATM (i needed some extra funds). so i decided to go to the ATM located near the police booth at the MRT station (which i just passed). that's where i saw my client, who happens to be a police officer. an hour later, i was already heading towards Puregold, coming from Ali Mall, to buy dinner for my family when i decided to eat at Taco Bell first. since i was absorbed with whatever im thinking, i didnt notice Taco Bell and just realized it when i was already in front of the National Book Store entrance. while walking in front of National Book Store, i had the nagging feeling i missed something. thats when i realized i decided minutes earlier to drop by Taco Bell first before going to Puregold. so i went back to Gateway. that's where i saw the other client of our law office.
if i didnt decide to turn back in both instances, i wouldnt have seen these clients and i wouldnt have felt that my world is growing smaller.