much as i want to be a hardworking person and be a workaholic, im having difficulties. the most i can be right now is be a laid back person. thats better than being just plain lazy. at least i get things done. but still its unacceptable given my pace of learning the tricks of the trade.

i started thinking, how come i cant use my "workaholic mode"? i really need it. especially right now that i have court hearings for three straight weeks (average of four hearings per week). being laid back is just good enough to make sure i get something done. but its really not a job well done. its probably good enough but obviously lacking stuff. or maybe not good enough at all. there's just some output. plain and simple.

im laid back in a sense, i sleep in my office room to rest. when im tired, i stop working. of course, i only stop when i can afford to stop, meaning no deadlines. but on the inside, i get occasional panic attacks when my brain starts to give me the "big picture" or the amount of work to be done.

i need to do something about this.