i feel better after a good rant. but still, God, dafuq? You do know how it hurts for me? send another girl again that i will certainly like, i will reject her the instant i see her. im seriously sick and tired of getting my heart broken because i never stop trying and hoping. or simply because a goddamn hot chick is my ultimate weakness. fuck You God. You give me a goddamn brain and it stops working when i fall for a girl. just when i need it the most. sorry, but with all these failures, i can never trust my goddamn heart.

hey God! im really getting sick and tired of Your shit. just when im back up again, You knock me down real hard. tubthumpin huh? You think its funny?

You make me fall for someone else and make me believe again, hope for something nice. Then You take her away. Fine. maybe You didn't take her away. But my question is, why let me meet her when I've decided not to fall for someone again, then make me like her, and after i struggle to avoid her because i knew right from the moment i saw her a few months ago im going to fall for her, You make her pull me back to her only to get rejected? seriously God, when are You going to stop? You do this every time i decide to live that solitary life. You send a girl i will certainly like and when i do something about it, it ends up with a fucking "nope. sorry. not gonna happen". im assuming its my fault i got rejected for the nth time. whose fault could it be? right? then why keep doing it damn it! obviously im not learning and i keep getting my heart fucking broken. but no, you built me in such a way that no matter what happens i wont really break. just close to breaking point but never break. You do know that this game of Yours is starting to take its toll? Why not kill me instantly? Why do i have to endure Your goddamn shit? holy fucking crap. ive been having chest pains for almost a goddamn year now and it got more frequent since i got rejected again. and this exercise of Yours is for obviously no reason at all. because ive tried following Your goddamn rules before, used to believe in them and it always makes me miserable after.

You know, that card reader's right. when she saw me, she asked why im fucking sad. well, her cards said it. i wont get what i want. it was a big fat "NO!" i didnt want to believe in it. i still hoped i will find a girl i want. found one again more or less a month after that card reading. but with this recent rejection, im starting to think it makes more sense to believe in her cards than in Your stupid game.

all of a sudden, my eyes started leaking. seconds later, i realized its going to be one year since the shit that messed me up. i lost everything in that "fire"

no women, no weed, no alcohol. crap. it feels im back in june 2013. well, at least i can still have weed. or still have sex and booze at my own risk. wait...since when did i learn about caring for anything? fuck this.

im not heartbroken! dammit! no one can be heartbroken for almost a year. God, You really know how to piss me off. that was a dirty trick

that annoying moment when you realize that the feeling is very much alive. damn it. i better not have those kind of dreams again. i dont want sleepless nights because of some fear from seeing something i refuse to see.

im not sad. im just pensive. im just going to "enjoy" the remaining months.

so my blood sugar, cholesterol count, hemoglobin levels and uric acid levels are high. but someone said im going to live until i get fucking alzheimers. well, God, im holding You accountable for Your actions. we won't be here if not for Your alleged mysterious but are actually senseless and whimsical ways.

remember...dont make major decisions when youre angry. meh. fuck it

GWR: how long will you hide? how long will you stay angry?

TLT: i dont know. still cant forgive myself for what happened and what ive done.

sometimes i wonder if i should have listened to friends. when he said i should start shaking my head and walk away, i thought it was the right thing to do. when he told me how things are if i was looking at things from an objective point of view, he made sense.

months later, i learned it was the right thing to do. i did her a favor because she cant end it on her own. yeah. sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

i hate being right. but what can i do, i am never wrong. im tired of it.

how long can i hold it in you ask? as long as it takes. and ill do whatever it takes. like i said before, im ready to pay for the rest of my life

if my rashes are an indication of my mood...well, during the first half of last year, i had no rashes which was weird because since 2003, i usually have rashes. now, theyre incredibly itchy and for the first time in years, appear to be resistant to the ointment i usually use.

yeah. my health is deteriorating fast. so i have that going for me which is nice

never been the type who knows how to ask for help. even my attempts to ask for it is usually mistaken for something else.

nothing good happens after 2am