my back is killing me. i just felt the pain in my spine while taking a shower a few minutes ago when i abruptly straightened my back because of the cold water from the shower

i need to clean my room before 2012 comes. gots lots and lots of pieces of paper called receipts, charge slips, brochures, etc. scattered around my room. 

i think the lack of exercise is messing up my brain

i think im going to be sick. got a mild sore throat. im not surprised. i always catch a cold during december. im usually sick during christmas week. so im doing my last minute xmas shopping with a cold

i think i just received a missed call from someone from Malaysia

jogged in the rain. hope i dont catch a cold.

woke up with a hangover this morning. weird part is i didnt drink last night.

got my laptop back.

laptop broke. after 4 years of using it daily, its hinges finally gave in. the repairshop told me it will take 1 to 2 months to get the parts needed. crap.

my head hurts. im in the office and my head fucking hurts. well, its not that serious, like my head is about to pop. but it really does hurt a lot. and im in the office. i was planning to pay the bills today in the mall, then relax a bit then find a place to work there. but i have to be in the office first. why did my head decide to have a headache today?

a thought just entered my head just now. i suddenly remembered a recent dream where i rode a plane. that i was worried because of the altitude and my blood condition. but i risked it anyway. not that there's something weird about it since its only a dream. its just it popped in my head so suddenly and reminded me of some girl who worried about me riding planes.

took a short nap this afternoon when i got home. my nap was interrupted by a strange text message. i had to immediately check some of my online accounts to make sure it wasnt hacked.

i had to check my other blog what ive been posting lately even if i just posted something an hour or a few hours ago.

today was a very unproductive day.

just had a colonoscopy earlier today. i was supposed to be given a sedative to put me to sleep but it didnt really work (the nurse said its probably because i have a high tolerance for alcohol). i was awake the whole time and i felt the annoying discomfort the whole procedure. i was groaning due to the slight pain.

there are no definite findings yet but i just hope that the "impression" the doctor got stays that way. i dont want any other serious medical concerns. im financially drained. 

holy crap. how can fat people live with their selves? im not even overweight but im already having difficulties dealing with this weight ive gained. its just so hard to move.

tiring day. just bought a new desktop PC. and an LED monitor. i still need to transfer the files from the old PC to the new one.

had a really busy weekend.

my whole body is aching. cant even bend. my thighs hurt. i dont recall my body aching this much after cleaning my room. i think its because of age.

tiring day today. cleaned my room. even the walls. didnt get to finish but i think i managed to do 75% of what im supposed to do.

going to have a very busy, non-work related saturday and sunday. the work-related stuff will be done on monday and probably tuesday too. i cant even enjoy holidays. the worst part is...im going to use up one month and a half of my salary for a necessary, unexpected expense. i guess this is august's goodbye present for this year.

attended my mandaluyong court hearing. had lunch at trinoma. went to the office. then went back to the mall after office hours to watch Cowboys and Aliens. also, i checked Cyberzone and finally saw the 10 inch samsung galaxy tab. i did a lot of things in between but im too tired to think about it

i have court hearings on the next two days and i need to finish my part in the supreme court memorandum by wednesday. and i thought the last few days of august will be my rest days. im going to use the holidays next week to clean my room and do other chores.

not feeling well again. crap. the extra non-working day last friday gave me more time to sleep but i didnt really rest during the time im awake.

done with the SC oral arguments. finally. now comes the 20 day period to submit the memorandum. position paper on thursday, hearing next tuesday. and half a month left til august ends

i think its time to have my eyes checked

not feeling well. i really feel dizzy. very dizzy. damn it. and i was thinking earlier whether to buy pizza or a hotdog sandwich after i leave work. i dont think i can enjoy it given that i feel like throwing up.

very tiring day. had a lunch meeting with Senator Pimentel and Atty. Romulo Macalintal earlier today in preparation for the SC oral arguments next tuesday. in addition to that, i need to drop by the PAO office in relation to the murder case im handling, review a city ordinance to prepare a legal memo and review an expropriation case that started way back in the sixties. and the decision for the election protest case im handling is due next week.

went to cavite yesterday to go to my cousin's wake. first time i saw him and unfortunately, he's inside a coffin. also learned that i was baptized in a hospital (i was confined in the hospital due to lobar pneumonia). my parents decided to have me baptized because i was always severely ill as a baby. if we only had a tradition similar to the korean Doljanchi, my parents probably threw a big celebration when i reached my first birthday.

i think im going to bed early tonight. im starting to not feel well again. i hope this wont lead to another set of lab tests.

watched the 2nd installment of the last Harry Potter movie today. its nothing compared to the book. but its not a bad film adaptation. i guess.

bought 2 pairs of denim pants yesterday. i was supposed to buy a new pair of shoes too but there were too many people because of the mall wide sale. i didnt benefit from the mall sale because the items on sale dont cover my size. im better off buying my stuff during regular mall days.

not feeling well again. i just got well earlier today. crap. seriously? i already had myself checked almost two weeks ago and the x-ray didnt show anything wrong. the same thing for my ultrasound and other lab tests. i dont want to buy anymore meds! there's going to be a mall wide sale this weekend and i need to buy a new pair of jeans and leather shoes.

paid some bills and had a kko kko tour marathon. lost a few pounds because of my illness so im trying to gain it back. i will have to eat more often.

called in sick today. got a high fever but i still did some work during the morning. ive been taking meds for my other illnesses so i have no idea what's the origin of this fever. i need to get rid of this fever by tomorrow. ive got lots of stuff to do plus a lunch meeting.

despite my very weak condition, i continue to work. just a few more days and then i will be able to really rest without much worries. just hold on a little longer physical self. if life can be a little nicer, the workload will be very manageable by next week and physical self can get some rest to recover.

very tiring day. at least today, its not because of work. spent the morning getting some lab tests and received a prescription for some expensive medication. watched Transformers 3 during the afternoon and then bought some stuff at the mall. got home around 8. tomorrow, i resume work and start a week long medication for one of my ailments.

im too busy and tired to care. makes me thankful that i can still get enough time to sleep. not a good night sleep though due to some pain ive been having for weeks but its still sleep nonetheless.

just got home from work. crap. i have a hearing tomorrow. im too tired to prepare. i guess i will just have to wake up really, really early.

very productive day today. managed to do a lot of work. yet not enough to finish everything. i hope i continue this hardworker mode until the end of the week.

at the end of the day, i just want to relax but its the middle of the week so its kinda impossible. the fact that Mcdonald's Matalino is still closed makes matters worse. i dont have a "happy place". there's no good alternative place where i can get my morning coffee before i go to my court hearings. i miss my morning cup of coffee before i go to work.

the internet is starting to get boring too. im no longer hooked on facebook. i only check my emails because of force of habit. the only thing i have left are my PS3 and my soshi addiction.

im seriously not feeling well.

im not feeling well. i think its psychosomatic. coincidentally, im listening to prodigy's breathe.

i think there's something wrong with my back. nothing seriously wrong. not yet. but certainly, there's something wrong

my lower back's been hurting since this morning. weird thing about it is, one of the cases ive scheduled to review and assess today involves a client who suffered from a lower back injury. of course my back pain is nothing compared to his. he suffered from a lower back injury due to heavy labor given the nature of his work. i think my back pain is my body's way of trying to symphathize with the client.

much as i want to be a hardworking person and be a workaholic, im having difficulties. the most i can be right now is be a laid back person. thats better than being just plain lazy. at least i get things done. but still its unacceptable given my pace of learning the tricks of the trade.

i started thinking, how come i cant use my "workaholic mode"? i really need it. especially right now that i have court hearings for three straight weeks (average of four hearings per week). being laid back is just good enough to make sure i get something done. but its really not a job well done. its probably good enough but obviously lacking stuff. or maybe not good enough at all. there's just some output. plain and simple.

im laid back in a sense, i sleep in my office room to rest. when im tired, i stop working. of course, i only stop when i can afford to stop, meaning no deadlines. but on the inside, i get occasional panic attacks when my brain starts to give me the "big picture" or the amount of work to be done.

i need to do something about this.

went to UP earlier today to read some updated law books. when i got there, the guard told me its closed. i then asked if its closed just today or will it be closed next saturday. he said something i idiotically failed to realize. its summer! the law library is always closed on saturdays during summer! sheesh. i even thought earlier that it should be open on a saturday because there are saturday classes. there are no classes during summer. i totally forgot its May. damn it. and its been like that since i was in law school and it hasnt been that long since i was a law student.

i wish i can make things right. but i promised im going to leave things the way they are and try to forget about it. half a decade swept under the rug. move out then never come back

there's just some things in life you just have to let go. i might regret it, i might not. at this point, i wouldnt really know. its my future self's problem, not mine. right now, letting go and moving somewhere else seems to make a lot of sense. holding on just makes me feel stupid. so im going to hold on to what i believe...and at the moment, i believe in letting go. abandon all hope and forsake everything.

i was wondering earlier today what's wrong with me. i realized that my mind keeps getting in the way. my will isnt strong enough to overcome it. i cant go against it. it has always dictated my every thought, my every move. my mind needs some reformatting but it doesnt want me to.

my neck hurts. 2nd day of a month long daily court hearing

tired. and i have a week filled with court hearings. spent holy thursday driving. visita iglesia. spent friday studying. spent saturday shopping for another set of court attire. spent sunday studying. im drained.

went to montalban and then avilon zoo. very tired.

i feel incredibly tired. like i spent the day traveling. but all i did was sit in my office the entire day.

the busy life is kicking in. im just a few pages from finishing a non-law book im reading and i cant even squeeze a few minutes to finish it. and ive skipped my japanese language self-study for two weeks now. crap. and i was making some good progress lately.

got a cut on my lip (because of shaving) and a cut on my finger (because of recklessly sliding my finger on the edge of a mirror with no frame). i hate cuts

used my weekend shopping.

yesterday, i bought 2 barongs, a pair of slacks and a pair of leather shoes. shopping for clothes isnt my thing but i have no choice. i need to buy additional barongs. i need a spare long sleeve barong because i only have one long sleeve barong (in dark blue). got myself a white one because i dont want to stand out. not yet. i need to blend in for now. back then, standing out wasnt an issue. well, its was really something i purposely did then but now, things have changed. i need to keep a low profile until its ok to attract attention. bought another short sleeve barong when i found out last thursday that my gray barong was the exact same barong used by parking attendants at Alex Grill. damn it! that was my OLA barong.

anyway, i also bought a new pair of slacks because i only have one pair that fits me. i gained a lot weight (if i were to believe the online body mass index calculator, im just 10-15 pounds away from being overweight) so all my old slacks, with the exception of one, which i bought a few months ago, no longer fit.

as for the shoes, i dont even remember when i bought my current leather shoes. its that old. i was supposed to buy new pairs of socks and a leather belt but, just buying the four items really wore me out.

a friend recently asked how come he doesnt see me online on YM anymore. well, i just dont...feel like going online anymore. its not the first time this happened. back in college, i was "active" on YM. after i graduated i was still kind of active. it wasnt until the latter half of 2004 that i lost interest in it. i became active again in 2006. maybe after a year or two, i hibernated again. then active again by the end of 2008 or early 2009. by mid-2009, i lost interest again. so its seasonal in a way, with external factors affecting my online behavior. i guess.

and my world continues to shrink

i went to cubao for three consecutive days last weekend. first was last friday to meet a friend. second was last saturday to buy groceries. third was yesterday to buy some CDs for my sister and some materials for my brother.

yesterday, i also met two current clients of our law office. one was at the MRT cubao station, the other one at Gateway. what's interesting to note in both instances is that i saw these clients when i decided to go back a few meters from where i was heading. at the MRT cubao station, i was already on my way to Fairmart when i saw the line at the ATM (i needed some extra funds). so i decided to go to the ATM located near the police booth at the MRT station (which i just passed). that's where i saw my client, who happens to be a police officer. an hour later, i was already heading towards Puregold, coming from Ali Mall, to buy dinner for my family when i decided to eat at Taco Bell first. since i was absorbed with whatever im thinking, i didnt notice Taco Bell and just realized it when i was already in front of the National Book Store entrance. while walking in front of National Book Store, i had the nagging feeling i missed something. thats when i realized i decided minutes earlier to drop by Taco Bell first before going to Puregold. so i went back to Gateway. that's where i saw the other client of our law office.

if i didnt decide to turn back in both instances,  i wouldnt have seen these clients and i wouldnt have felt that my world is growing smaller.

"im sorry but my answer is no. i cant. i musnt. i simply cant. the thing is...this is what i gave up in exchange for what i have now. im not happy with what i did but im bound by the choice i have made. its a cross i volunteered to carry"

ive got the curse of foresight, bombarded by deja vus from time to time. please dont let me be psychic. well, there's really nothing psychic about it. it just so happens that my hunches are right 90% of the time. im hoping this falls under the 10%.

im screwed. if this keeps up, its only a matter of time. well, it might be a better place. or maybe worse. if its worse, then i am screwed.

sometimes i wonder where i go. not that ive been roaming around. its just my mind has been somewhere else. lately, im surprised with how much unread emails i have when i know i check my emails regularly. im also surprised that there are days that i havent read the news when im always updated with current events. thats why i ask myself where have i been lately? or where has my mind been?

for days ive been bothered by a simple song that ive been humming in my head. i was familiar with the tune but not with the lyrics. all i knew was it has the word "star" and "put it in your pocket". since its been days, i decided to google it. found out its a song by perry como. no idea where i heard the song. it just came to my head one day and its been pestering me. now that i found out what the song was, the lyrics made me paranoid. wont let life pull another crazy stunt on me. im hiding. i will avoid meeting anyone new except the unavoidable walk in clients.

im sick! just drank ginger tea for my sore throat. going to have a cold. why didnt i get this during the holidays? first work week of the year and im feeling a lot of discomfort.

my self imposed xmas break is over. we dont have a xmas break except for days declared as holidays. but since courts have xmas breaks, i requested that i wont go to the office but just be on call 24/7 for the last two weeks of december. and now that break is over but i still have a lot of non-work stuff to do!!! the goddamn break was no break at all. it was a break from work so i can do non-work stuff.