went to UP earlier today to read some updated law books. when i got there, the guard told me its closed. i then asked if its closed just today or will it be closed next saturday. he said something i idiotically failed to realize. its summer! the law library is always closed on saturdays during summer! sheesh. i even thought earlier that it should be open on a saturday because there are saturday classes. there are no classes during summer. i totally forgot its May. damn it. and its been like that since i was in law school and it hasnt been that long since i was a law student.

i wish i can make things right. but i promised im going to leave things the way they are and try to forget about it. half a decade swept under the rug. move out then never come back

there's just some things in life you just have to let go. i might regret it, i might not. at this point, i wouldnt really know. its my future self's problem, not mine. right now, letting go and moving somewhere else seems to make a lot of sense. holding on just makes me feel stupid. so im going to hold on to what i believe...and at the moment, i believe in letting go. abandon all hope and forsake everything.

i was wondering earlier today what's wrong with me. i realized that my mind keeps getting in the way. my will isnt strong enough to overcome it. i cant go against it. it has always dictated my every thought, my every move. my mind needs some reformatting but it doesnt want me to.

my neck hurts. 2nd day of a month long daily court hearing

tired. and i have a week filled with court hearings. spent holy thursday driving. visita iglesia. spent friday studying. spent saturday shopping for another set of court attire. spent sunday studying. im drained.

went to montalban and then avilon zoo. very tired.

i feel incredibly tired. like i spent the day traveling. but all i did was sit in my office the entire day.

the busy life is kicking in. im just a few pages from finishing a non-law book im reading and i cant even squeeze a few minutes to finish it. and ive skipped my japanese language self-study for two weeks now. crap. and i was making some good progress lately.

got a cut on my lip (because of shaving) and a cut on my finger (because of recklessly sliding my finger on the edge of a mirror with no frame). i hate cuts

used my weekend shopping.

yesterday, i bought 2 barongs, a pair of slacks and a pair of leather shoes. shopping for clothes isnt my thing but i have no choice. i need to buy additional barongs. i need a spare long sleeve barong because i only have one long sleeve barong (in dark blue). got myself a white one because i dont want to stand out. not yet. i need to blend in for now. back then, standing out wasnt an issue. well, its was really something i purposely did then but now, things have changed. i need to keep a low profile until its ok to attract attention. bought another short sleeve barong when i found out last thursday that my gray barong was the exact same barong used by parking attendants at Alex Grill. damn it! that was my OLA barong.

anyway, i also bought a new pair of slacks because i only have one pair that fits me. i gained a lot weight (if i were to believe the online body mass index calculator, im just 10-15 pounds away from being overweight) so all my old slacks, with the exception of one, which i bought a few months ago, no longer fit.

as for the shoes, i dont even remember when i bought my current leather shoes. its that old. i was supposed to buy new pairs of socks and a leather belt but, just buying the four items really wore me out.

a friend recently asked how come he doesnt see me online on YM anymore. well, i just dont...feel like going online anymore. its not the first time this happened. back in college, i was "active" on YM. after i graduated i was still kind of active. it wasnt until the latter half of 2004 that i lost interest in it. i became active again in 2006. maybe after a year or two, i hibernated again. then active again by the end of 2008 or early 2009. by mid-2009, i lost interest again. so its seasonal in a way, with external factors affecting my online behavior. i guess.

and my world continues to shrink

i went to cubao for three consecutive days last weekend. first was last friday to meet a friend. second was last saturday to buy groceries. third was yesterday to buy some CDs for my sister and some materials for my brother.

yesterday, i also met two current clients of our law office. one was at the MRT cubao station, the other one at Gateway. what's interesting to note in both instances is that i saw these clients when i decided to go back a few meters from where i was heading. at the MRT cubao station, i was already on my way to Fairmart when i saw the line at the ATM (i needed some extra funds). so i decided to go to the ATM located near the police booth at the MRT station (which i just passed). that's where i saw my client, who happens to be a police officer. an hour later, i was already heading towards Puregold, coming from Ali Mall, to buy dinner for my family when i decided to eat at Taco Bell first. since i was absorbed with whatever im thinking, i didnt notice Taco Bell and just realized it when i was already in front of the National Book Store entrance. while walking in front of National Book Store, i had the nagging feeling i missed something. thats when i realized i decided minutes earlier to drop by Taco Bell first before going to Puregold. so i went back to Gateway. that's where i saw the other client of our law office.

if i didnt decide to turn back in both instances,  i wouldnt have seen these clients and i wouldnt have felt that my world is growing smaller.

"im sorry but my answer is no. i cant. i musnt. i simply cant. the thing is...this is what i gave up in exchange for what i have now. im not happy with what i did but im bound by the choice i have made. its a cross i volunteered to carry"

ive got the curse of foresight, bombarded by deja vus from time to time. please dont let me be psychic. well, there's really nothing psychic about it. it just so happens that my hunches are right 90% of the time. im hoping this falls under the 10%.

im screwed. if this keeps up, its only a matter of time. well, it might be a better place. or maybe worse. if its worse, then i am screwed.

sometimes i wonder where i go. not that ive been roaming around. its just my mind has been somewhere else. lately, im surprised with how much unread emails i have when i know i check my emails regularly. im also surprised that there are days that i havent read the news when im always updated with current events. thats why i ask myself where have i been lately? or where has my mind been?

for days ive been bothered by a simple song that ive been humming in my head. i was familiar with the tune but not with the lyrics. all i knew was it has the word "star" and "put it in your pocket". since its been days, i decided to google it. found out its a song by perry como. no idea where i heard the song. it just came to my head one day and its been pestering me. now that i found out what the song was, the lyrics made me paranoid. wont let life pull another crazy stunt on me. im hiding. i will avoid meeting anyone new except the unavoidable walk in clients.

im sick! just drank ginger tea for my sore throat. going to have a cold. why didnt i get this during the holidays? first work week of the year and im feeling a lot of discomfort.

my self imposed xmas break is over. we dont have a xmas break except for days declared as holidays. but since courts have xmas breaks, i requested that i wont go to the office but just be on call 24/7 for the last two weeks of december. and now that break is over but i still have a lot of non-work stuff to do!!! the goddamn break was no break at all. it was a break from work so i can do non-work stuff. 

i just told myself a few days ago that im not going to drink alcohol anymore because i had a terrible hangover after the xmas party. i really dont listen to what i say because right now, im drunk again. damn it!